With each new day on the victory tour, and every district we visit, the days get harder and harder to get through. My nightmares only grow more intense as I see the families of the children I murdered. I hardly sleep at all now, spending most nights wandering around the train, or laying awake on my bed, afraid to fall asleep.
Sure once we make a stop at a district, I am forced to perform for the crowd, everyone loves the funny, charming and flirty Finnick Odair. Except for maybe Annie, she hates who I become in front of crowds. I tell her it's not who I am, it's just who the capitol wants me to be. She constantly asks me how I am doing, and of course I tell her I am perfectly fine. But she can see right through me. It's not like she doesn't notice me getting up in the middle of the night and roaming the train. She spends almost every night with me now, and sometimes I think she does it more for my comfort than for hers. I feel guilty when I leave her all alone in my bedroom, after all, she's in there in the first place for protection and security. I try as hard as I can to stay with her, but sometimes I have to get up and occupy my mind.
Tonight is one of those nights.
I don't remember falling asleep, all I remember is waking up from one of the worst nightmares I've ever had.
I sit up quickly, and swing my feet over the edge of the bed, panting as I try to slow my heart rate. My body is covered in sweat, and I'm shivering at the same time.
I feel Annie stir.
"Finn? Are you okay?"
I turn halfway around. She is sitting propped up on her elbow, I give her a small smile, and brush some hair out of her face.
"Yeah I'm fine, I just need a glass of water. Go back to sleep."
She looks at me, concern written all over her face.
"Are you sure you're all right?"
I gently push her back onto the bed, and pull the sheet over her.
"I'm sure. You go back to sleep now, sorry for waking you up."
She settles down under the sheets, relaxed, but still looking worried.
"I'll be fine. I don't usually have nightmares when I'm with you."
She murmurs as she closes her eyes. I wait for a minute, until I can hear her gentle breathing. Then I get up, and quietly leave the room.
Once in the hallway, I take a deep breath. The memory of the nightmare still haunting my mind.
I wander around until I find myself at the bar. I'm surprised to see a servant on duty, and I slide onto one of the bar stools.
"Can I have a drink?"
He motions to the many bottles of liquor.
"What does the young man have in mind?"
I look at the bottles for a while, then shrug.
"Something strong."
The servant nods, and makes me a drink.
I have only had alcohol on several occasions, and I am not used to its potentcy. The drink is indeed strong, and burns as it goes down. But it warms me, and distracts me from how tired I am.
"What are you doing here?"
I spin around on the stool, to see Bruce standing in the doorway. The drink has made my eyesight kind of fuzzy, and I'm feeling a bit out of it.
"I could ask you the same question."
He walks forward, and sniffs my glass.
"What the blazes are you doing drinking something that strong? Especially at this time!"
He dumps out the rest of my drink, and pulls me out into the lounge. Pushing me into a chair, he stands in front of me with his arms crossed.
"Alright. Start talking."
Maybe it's the alcohol, or the lack of sleep, or maybe I'm just tired of explaining my every move to people. I don't know what it is, but I stand up indignant.
"I don't have to explain myself to you! I don't have to explain to anyone! I am sick and tired of everyone asking me questions, and watching my every move! Why can't everyone just leave me alone!?"
Bruce remains motionless,
"Because Finnick. You are a victor, your business, is now everyone's business."
I step closer, and lock my green eyes with his dark grey ones.
"Well then I wish I had just died in the arena!"
He raises his voice to a shout.
"Don't say that! After everything I've done for you, you better not wish your life away!"
"Everything you've done for me? What have you ever done for me? You were Annita's mentor, your job was to kill me so that she could win!"
"That's not true! Annita didn't want to make it out of the arena! I did everything I could to keep you alive, and this is the thanks I get?!"
I'm temporarily silent.
"Annita wanted to die?"
He sighs, and runs his fingers through his grey streaked hair.
"She told me to keep you alive. So yes, she wanted to die, so that you could win. You have no idea how much and how many people have sacrificed for you."
My brain is trying to process what he's saying, but the drink has made me kind of groggy.
"I'm just so tired...of everything. I can't take a walk without being mobbed by people who either want to kiss me, or kill me. I can't ever just hang out anymore, and I have people watching my every move. I can't even sleep anymore, and i'm just so tired of it all. I just want things to be normal again."
Bruce is silent for a moment, then he says quietly.
"This is how life is going to be from now on. This is normal. Go back to bed Finnick, focus on Annie. She will help you through this, but you need to let her help you. Let her help bear your burden, she can handle it."
He walks towards the door, calling over his shoulder.
"And no more late night drinks alright?"
I wait until he leaves, then reluctantly go back to my bedroom.
I close the door quietly behind me, and crawl back into bed, careful not to disturb Annie.
I hear her moan, and she starts to toss and turn. I gently rub the back of my hand down her cheek, talking softly.
"Shhh, Annie it's okay. I'm here. You're safe with me."
She whimpera, but stops tossing around. I wrap my arms around her, and pull her close. I feel her muscles relax, and she falls back into a peaceful sleep laying on my chest.
I lay awake for a little while, stroking her hair gently.
"Don't worry Annie, we will get through this together."
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