The days go by slowly, and the nights drag on even slower.
It's now the second week on the victory tour, and we have visited over half of the districts. Our next stop is district ten, which I am personally dreading the most.
District ten is the district Weasel came from.
I though district five would be the worst, Luna's home. But the whole time I was there, I just felt numb.
But every mile that we grow closer to ten, I feel fear deep in me.
Weasel was the most bloodthirsty tribute by far. And my nightmares are full of how she tortured me in the arena, I am getting even less sleep, and I'm afraid that I am depriving Annie of sleep as well. Most nights are spent sitting on some couch or in some corner, staring off into space.
Mags tries to get me to talk to her, but Bruce tells her not to bother.
"Leave him be. What he's going through, no one can understand. Let him figure it out on his own."
And so she does. I still put on a brave face for Annie, not showing her what I really feel. She knows I am having a hard time, and she does everything she can to help me. But nobody can help me. This is my victory tour, those were my games, and no one can understand what that was like, what it's still like.
I estimate the time around 8:00, but I don't really care.
I am leaning back on a small couch facing a window, and I sit with my arms crossed, staring out the window.
I don't know how long I've been here, but it was before daylight.
I feel someone sit down beside me, and I hear Mags voice.
"Finnick, I know what you're going through, only you can go through. But remember that Bruce and I both went through this, true it was a long time ago, but we still remember what it's like. Also remember that you have that little girl to take care of, and if you continue to draw back, you are only going to drift away from her. Keep that in mind."
She gives my arm a squeeze, and leaves.
I think about what she said. Is that true? Am I pushing Annie away? I can't let that happen, she is the most important person in the world to me. And I promised Robbert that I would take care of her.
I know what I have to do, I have to push away my own feelings, and focus completely on my best friend.
I blink several times, and stretch. Then I jump up from the couch, and run back to my room.
I dash in, and jump on the bed.
"Wake up! It's morning time!"
Annie rolls over quickly, and opens her eyes in surprise. Seeing me, she rubs her eyes and sits up.
"Finnick? What are you doing?"
I pull all the covers off her, and grab her wrist, pulling her out of bed.
"Well good morning sunshine! We are going to be at district ten today, and you need to get up and have some breakfast!"
She is still rubbing her eyes with her free hand, and I hold her other one and pull her out of the bedroom.
"Are you feeling alright Finn?"
I lead her into the dining car and sit her down in a chair.
"Right as rain. What would the lovely lady want for breakfast?"
She smiles, and shakes her head.
"Um, pancakes?"
I straighten up, and salute.
"A pancake meal for two coming right up!"
I order breakfast from a servant, and sit down across from Annie. She watches me for a minute, and starts laughing.
"Are you absolutely sure you're feeling fine?"
I smile,
"Yes, I feel great!"
She shakes her head smiling.
"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better. So we arrive at district ten today?"
I nod, erasing all thoughts except about Annie.
"Yep, we should get there in the afternoon-ish."
Our breakfast arrives, and we dig in. I do feel better than I have in a while, and I joke and tease with Annie. We are both laughing when Mags and Bruce arrive.
"Well good morning you two! Sure took you long enough, we've almost eaten all the breakfast."
Annie laughs, and throws her napkin at me.
"Oh hush! You're the one who's eating everything. Goodness you would think you would be fat with all the food you eat."
I take a deep breath, and suck in my stomach. Then I flex my muscles.
"Fat? There isn't a spare piece of meat on this handsome body."
Mags and Annie laugh, but Bruce smacks me upside the head.
"No need to get cocky."
Mags sits down beside me,
"Oh give the boy a break Bruce. I'm glad to see you're feeling better Finnick."
Breakfast progresses, and then it's time to be handed over to my prep team.
After an hour or so of being trimmed, plucked and bathed. I am finally perfected.
Dalia has me dress in a pair of khaki pants, and a leather jacket over a flowy white shirt.
Annie is dressed in a short sleeve dark red dress that buttons up. It has a collar, and it ends just below her knees. She's wearing a pair of brown leather boots, and her reddish brown hair is in two braids.
"Oh you two look so cute!"
Tiffy exclaims clapping her hands. I give her a hug,
"Not as cute as you are!"
She giggles as I set her down, and straightens her dress.
"Oh goodness! I'm glad to see you are back to your old self again!"
We arrive at district ten, go through the same old thing. Get announced, walk up on stage with a fake smile, say some stuff about the district and the tributes, dinner party at the mayors house, sign autographs, have girls throw themselves at you. Just the usual. The whole time I keep up the cheerful attitude, and everyone buys it...well almost everyone.
Somehow I get the feeling that Bruce knows what's really going on. But as long as Annie and Mags think I am fine, that's all that matters.
We only have two more districts to visit, then after the large party at the capitol it's time to return for one final celebration at home.
It will take several days to reach district eleven, several days stuck in the stuffy train.
I manage to keep up the cheerful, not a care in the world attitude for several days, but the pressure of keeping it up grows worse, and one night I can't fall asleep.
I'm laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling. I can hear Annie's quiet breathing beside me, her tiny body is curled up by my side.
She starts to whimper, and I absent mindedly run my fingers through her hair. It has a calming effect on her, and she falls back into a peaceful sleep.
I lay there for a while, but once again I cannot sleep. Keeping all my emotions penned up for so long is taking its toll, and I feel an overwhelming depression weighing on me. I slip out of my bedroom, and walk around the train.
The nightmares have grown worse until sometimes I have them when I am awake.
As I'm walking down a hall, I hear something behind me, as I turn around, I see Weasel standing on the other end of the hall, running her finger along the edge of a long knife.
"Hello Finnick, remember me? Well of course you do, after all, you dream about me every night. Isn't that right?"
I step away from her.
"No...I'm dreaming...you're dead."
She steps forward with a wicked smile.
"Am I? No one knows how I "died" in the arena, no one saw it happen. Maybe I escaped the arena!"
I shake my head.
"That's impossible...there is no way out of the arena."
She flicks her knife, the blade catching the light.
"Oh but what if there was? What if I somehow slipped away while no one was looking, and everyone assumed I was dead? What if I have just been waiting to finish what I started with you?"
My breathing is ragged, and sweat starts running down my body.
"You're not real...you can't be."
I take another step back, and run into the wall. She walks until she is standing right in front of me, she presses the knife blade against my wrist.
"Oh but I am. I'm your worst nightmare aren't I? You dream every night of what I did to you in the arena, you relive the pain, and you imagine me cutting up the ones you care about. In fact, once I'm done with you, I think I'll go pay little Annie a visit!"
I jerk away from her, the knife cutting my arm as I do.
"No! You stay away from her! Stay away from everyone! Go back to being dead!"
I swing my fist at her, but my arm passes through her like smoke, and she disappears.
I sink to the floor, and cover my head with my arms. Gasping for air.
"It wasn't real, it wasn't real. I was dreaming."
After a minute or so, I stand up on shaky legs, and stumble to the bar.
I don't know how many drinks later it is when Bruce finds me, but when he does, he's not happy.
"Finnick! What has gotten into you?!"
I am definitely drunk, and I don't care.
"Why don't you just leave me alone Bruce! I can't handle it anymore! I can't keep pretending! It's too much! I am so tired of having to act like everything is fine, that I am fine! I am not fine! And I don't care who knows it! At least they will know the real me."
He grabs my arm, and pulls me out of the room.
"I thought I told you no more drinking! Now look, you've gotten yourself wasted."
I try to yank my arm free, but his grip is strong.
"I don't have to listen to you! Let me go!"
He pulls me down a hall, and into a room.
"Why? So you can go drink more?"
He pushes me down onto a chair. I laugh, and run my fingers through my hair.
"Why not? At least when I'm drunk I don't have to pretend that everything is alright, people can see me for the wreck that I am. And I don't have any hallucinations while I'm drunk either...at least not yet."
Bruce spins around, walking up to me, he grabs my shoulders.
"You have hallucinations? How often?"
I clutch my stomach, and double over before my drinks make another appearance.
Bruce grunts, as I wretch all over his shoes. Then he pushes me into the bathroom.
"Come out when you're done getting sick."
I don't have time to reply as I run over to the toilet.
Man, I thought the alcohol going down burned, it's even worse coming up. After almost half an hour, I can safely say that I have nothing left in my stomach. I rinse my mouth out in the sink, and stagger back into the room.
Bruce cleaned up everything, and is sitting in a chair waiting for me.
"Sit."
I take a seat across from him, and stare at the floor.
"How often do you have hallucinations?"
"They started when I didn't get enough sleep, the nightmares just started happening when I was awake."
Bruce glances down at my arm, then he jumps forward and grabs my wrist.
"Finnick! What is this?"
I stare dumbly at the long jagged slice in my wrist.
"But...She wasn't real, the knife wasn't real..."
Bruce sighs, and grabs a handkerchief off the nightstand. He ties it around my wrist, as he explains.
"Finnick, if you don't get enough sleep, it causes hallucinations. Sometimes they can seem completely life-like. It looks like you somehow cut yourself."
"But I..."
He shakes his head.
"It can be very dangerous. You need to get sleep Finnick, no matter how awful the nightmares are. They're better than waking dreams."
I stare down at my bandaged wrist.
"Why are you looking out for me? I get the whole "you're responsible for me" and all that, but since when do you care?"
He sits for a long while, staring at me with a far away look in his eyes.
"It's more than that..."
"What? Tell me!"
He sighs, and looks me in the eye.
"I have a story to tell you...I should have told you long ago. But I thought I was protecting you by not telling you. I was wrong, you deserve to know the truth."
He takes a deep breath.
"It all started about twenty years ago..."
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